Dear Jennifer (Lopez):
(I put your last name in parenthesis because the regular people won’t know who I’m talking to, since they’re not celebrities like you and me.)
I understand that you have just gone through a difficult breakup with that Marv guy. You must be feeling terribly distraught. He’s a jerk!
Poor thing you are! Bless your heart!
There’s no need for you to go through this alone. I just happen to have some extra time on my calendar, so if you need a shoulder, my email address is on the right.
ON THE RIGHT! —–>
You can have your people contact my people, although sometimes – just to be nice and all – I’ll answer email myself. Fans like that.
Lots of people will think that I have ulterior motives behind this sincere gesture of kindness. They’ll say, “Dave, you’re just trying to get close to Jennifer (Lopez) because you got a thing for las mujeres Latinas and nice butts.” Butt that’s not true! I don’t even know if you have a nice butt! If there are pictures on the Internet of your nice butt, I don’t even know that!
I’m just a compassionate, fellow-celebrity guy extending an offer of comfort and understanding and sympathy and…you know, if you need me to travel with you or anything. But I’ll have to stay in a separate room, of course. (We’ll talk about this more in email, okay?)
You don’t have to go through this alone. I’m here for YOU, Jen (Jennifer Lopez). God bless your fine, Latin, well-shaped, smooth, sensuous, little butt body heart!
My email address is on the right.
ON THE RIGHT! —->
Enjoyable as always
Thank you!
Of course, it’s COMPLETELY in jest.
(Jen (Lopez), we can talk about this comment in email, okay?)
A great writer and an altruistic humanitarian as well. Who would have thunk it? Your wife is such a lucky woman, scoring such a high caliber gentleman like yourself.
I hope your mission of mercy is a success, and if you would, please send a few pics documenting your hands-on therapy (email address attached). Please and thank you in advance from another guy with his heart in the right place.
Altruistic humanitarian? High caliber gentleman?
Ah heck. I bet you say those things to everyone.